There are parts of life that will never get easier, there are things we must be reminded of that hurt just as deeply on the thousandth reminder as they did the first time we learned it. It’s amazing how much a human heart can feel all at once. I can’t help but think of Jesus when life hits hard. I visualize Him, in the garden, sweating blood. The immeasurable amount of pain He was bearing, knowing the reality of what was happening. He was in between what He wanted, and what was the will of God for Him. He wanted the cup to pass. His human heart was agonizing over the unfathomable reality of the cross. His spiritual heart however, was rejoicing because it was so close to Gods greatest plan for Him.
As we all know, the unfathomable pain of cross became the most beautiful part of His life. But He still had to endure the crushing. He had to endure the weight of the in between. He wanted to hear one answer to His prayer in that garden, but He knew He was going to hear another. Sometimes the reality of that is more than our humanity can handle. He was God, in the flesh. He still sweat blood. Why? Because the crushing weight of a truly broken heart isn’t something we can carry. The weight of the in between, where you find the reality of a situation isn’t what you had hoped it would be, is devastating.
It’s crazy to think that Gods will can bring devastation. But that’s just what it does so many times. When we pray for Gods will in our lives, and offer up our own in exchange for that, often times they don’t match up. The realization of that is devastating. What we want, what we think is best, what we had hoped for, dreamed of, longed for, isn’t what’s happening. We hear something different than what we wanted. We know that in order to follow the Lord, we must leave all that we wanted behind, and walk into the in between. That place where we are in between what we wanted, and actually being able to see what the Lord wants for us. Sometimes it’s simply timing that isn’t right with what we want. Sometimes it’s not the right place for us. But sometimes we don’t get any of the things we wanted. The crushing weight of the reality that you may not get any of the things you wanted as part of Gods will is too much to really comprehend sometimes.
I’m in that place. I’m in my own garden, crying out my will to the Lord. I’m asking for things my heart desperately desires, understanding those things may not be in His will for me, and then asking for His will regardless. I’m being reminded of painful truths. My heart hurts in ways I forgot it could. The grief is so heavy. The pain is real and raw. The unknown is my future, and it’s terrifying. But there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, and that’s the truth that I’ll never go through one second of this crushing alone.
When I weep the Lord weeps with me. When my heart breaks, He reminds me that His breaks for me. When the weight of the truth is more than I can bear, He helps me carry it. When the pain rushes in like a flood, He lifts me above the waves so I don’t drown. When I grieve over the loss of the future I wanted, He comforts me with the reminder that His will for me is the perfect one. When I rebel and run in every direction but the right one, He pursues my heart even harder until I come back. When I try to chase after my own will and handle life in all the wrong ways, he offers me grace and mercy.
There’s nothing in this life that I’ll ever have to face alone. The love that Jesus has for me is more than I could ever comprehend. I would rather have my will crushed a thousand times over. I would rather walk in the agony of the in between. I would rather weep, and grieve desperately over my own will. I would rather do any of these things than suffer the heartache of settling for anything less than Gods best for me.
My human heart is crying out in agony. My spiritual heart is rejoicing however because knows that the pain of this cross is going to become the most beautiful part of my life. Yours will too child.
Whatever will of yours is being crushed right now, just endure. Feel the pain. Grieve. Tell the Lord all about it. Be angry, be sad, be hurt. But be willing at the end of the day to walk out into the in between towards Gods perfect will for your life. And know that when you get there, it’s going to be so much more than you could have ever imagined it would be. It will be the perfect timing. It will be the best scenario. It will be exactly all the things you didn’t know you needed.
He’s got you child. Don’t be afraid of the crushing of your will. Just lean in to His love today, pray more fervently, and know that He’s working all things to your good. Even this.
“He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.”
Luke 22:44 NLT
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